One night stand or more?

Dear Strip Club Junkie, 

It sounds like you want to strip more than just layers of clothes—you want to remove some of the mystery surrounding the nature of your relationships! The people best equipped to answer your questions are you, the people you're currently in a relationship with, and anyone else you think you might like to start a relationship with. Ultimately, the choice on how to move forward is yours, but read on for suggestions on navigating conversations about relationships and boundaries. 

In your quest to decide the best way forward, a first step may be to reflect on what you want from this new love interest and what that means for the potential relationship with your roommate. After solidifying your goals and priorities, consider sharing them with your partner(s). Conversations like these may help clarify what they want too. One way to gauge interest in spending more time together could be to simply ask. 

Boundaries are expectations you set with others—and sometimes yourself—to ensure your comfort. While it may seem like boundaries create distance, they're intended to preserve relationships in ways that work better for all involved parties. There are many different types of boundaries you may want to set surrounding your physical, emotional, or sexual life. This could include keeping sexual activities at the other person's place while you still live with your roommate. Setting these boundaries may help to establish how you want others to share space with you, talk to you, or touch you. 

Before you set boundaries with this new person and your roommate, it may be useful to figure out what you want out of these relationships. You might do this by considering what you value in a relationship and your emotional needs. The following questions may also help to guide your reflection: 

• Relationship with your new guy: Do you want a purely sexual relationship, or something more emotionally involved? How do you feel when you’re around him? What’s your hesitation in giving him your phone number? 
• Relationship with your roommate: Are you both on the same page about your relationship? Have you discussed pursuing other people? What do you want to disclose about your one-night stand? Do you want to continue a relationship with him after you move out? Are you interested in continuing a relationship with him as well as the new person simultaneously? 

After reviewing your priorities, you may feel ready to speak with both people about the future of these relationships. It may be helpful to prepare what you want to say so you feel more confident about relaying your decisions. With this new potential partner, you may want to keep in mind that he might not have the same goals for the relationship as you—meaning he might not want to enter into a relationship, formal or open. Knowing this may help you decide if you’d like to see him in the future. For your conversation with your roommate, if you decide you’d like to move on from more than just the apartment, here’s a resource that might help you talk about ending the relationship. If instead, you want to discuss the possibility of an open relationship with your roommate, you may choose to bring up a conversation about how to ensure safe sex among all partners. 

It may also be beneficial to discuss how much transparency you want surrounding your partners’ relationships with other people. It can be important to remember that such vulnerable conversations are certainly not easy—no matter if they’re with your roommate or your potential new fling. That said, being honest may lead to more trust between you and your partner(s). 

During the conversations themselves, you may want to consider these general strategies: 

• Focus on your conversations. It can be productive to limit distractions and choose a time to talk when you and your partner are calm and have a free schedule. 
• Be as clear as possible to avoid any misunderstandings. State your boundaries without either being too rigid or backing down, ask your partners what they’re feeling instead of making assumptions. 
• Use “I” statements to avoid being accusatory or defensive. If you do decide an open relationship is the direction you’d all like to go, it can be helpful to be open to the boundaries your partner(s) might want to set as well. 

These difficult topics may require more than one conversation and your needs may change over time. The good thing is boundaries can be flexible and change to meet your new needs! Consider checking out the Go Ask Alice! fact sheet about Communicating and Relating for more tips on carrying out these conversations. 

In any case, the choice of next steps is yours. Every person and every relationship is different, meaning there isn’t one correct direction for the situation you’re in currently. Reflecting on your needs and wants in both relationships may help illuminate your course of action and determine how and what you want to communicate to your partner(s). If you feel as though you want more support in addressing this situation, it may be helpful to talk with a trusted friend, family member, or even a mental health professional. 

Best of luck with your decisions!