Dear Alice,

Gosh, this sounds pretty bad Alice, but I am need of help. My boyfriend is um, good with his hands, and I want to reciprocate, I really do, but I've never really given a hand job before and although the mechanics seem pretty easy in theory, whenever I try, I KNOW I'm not doing anything for him. I've only tried once or twice but he always says "you don't have to do that" which is his polite way of getting me to stop. I can't give a hand job. Am I a complete idiot? Please tell me what to do!

Dear Reader,

You’re far from being an idiot; in fact, it’s wise to ask. There's no wrong way to give a hand job, assuming your technique causes no discomfort or physical harm. What’s comfortable and pleasurable for one person may be different for another person. It’s possible that your partner isn’t a fan of your technique, but it could also be that it’s something completely unrelated. Communicating about what you both find pleasurable is a critical first step in building up to an exciting sexual experience. And, for a few tips and tricks you might incorporate into your hand job technique, read on!

Before your next hands-on experience, try to find a way to get comfortable whether it’s lying on your side facing your partner, sitting on their legs, or some other position. That way you can focus your full attention on him. Lubricating the penis with a water-based lube, with saliva (yours or theirs), or with lotion is a good place to start. It’ll help reduce the friction from a vigorous rub-down. As you go along, don't hesitate to add more lubrication as needed.

Although no two individuals are exactly alike, you might try out one or more of these tantalizing hand job techniques:

  • Try to add in some foreplay; grazing his legs starting near the knees and moving your way up may increase feelings of arousal (assuming he's not ticklish) even before you start the hand job.
  • You can start the hand job by wrapping your hand gently but firmly around the penis, and moving it up and down the shaft slowly and steadily.
  • As he becomes more aroused, you might vary your speed and pressure, and add some twisting corkscrew motions of your hand around the penis.
  • Using both hands allows you to form a ring with your thumb and forefinger at the base of the shaft and gently tug downward with one hand, while the other hand continues in an up and down movement.
  • You might also wrapping both hands around the penis and move them in opposite directions.  
  • To elicit a few more moans, you can spice it up by giving more attention to the corona (the ridge where the head meets the shaft), the frenulum (the thin ridge that runs the length of the underside of his penis), and the testicles which are all areas that are more sensitive. But be careful of too much attention, as that may cause more pain than pleasure.
  • For a truly scream-worthy orgasm, as he nears climax, continue stroking the shaft with one hand while the other massages the perineum (the nerve-packed stretch of skin between the anus and testicles).
  • For many people, pleasure continues after orgasm. If your partner likes, you can continue touching the penis, testicles, or other places on his body to help the moment linger.

As you continue being sexually active with your partner, you may want to experiment with different moves and to keep communication lines open. You may want to ask what he thinks in the moment; getting immediate feedback can provide a learning experience and may provide an opportunity for him to be more open about what he likes and dislikes. That way, you can tell each other what you like and what you’d rather pass on. If you're still feeling a little nervous, how about asking him to show you how he pleasures himself? You can start by watching or putting your hands over his, eventually moving his hands away and taking the lead. If you're feeling comfortable and willing to experiment, you're more likely to set him at ease and pleasure him 'til the mornin' comes! Or until he does…

Alice!

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