Alice,

I'm a veteran of several LDRs, even one that went through two long-distance phases before we eventually got married. Did these LDRs "work"? Well, yes and no. I'm tempted to say they worked too well.

In my case I think I stayed in those relationships out of insecurity. I was too scared of being alone in the world to take the hint that maybe if we were on separate continents it was time to start seeing other people. For me, being in a virtual relationship with a romanticized partner was easier than the hard work of building a real-world relationship with someone I saw every day. The LDR that led to marriage ended a number of messy years later in divorce, in part because of patterns of deception and miscommunication that we established during our long-distance phase. We would have been better off if we had broken it off when we had the chance.

I'm sure that my experience isn't universal and I'm not trying to judge other people's LDRs. I'm just saying that it's good to look at your motives and ask not only whether you can make a long-distance relationship work, but whether you should.

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Dear Alice and Nice Guy or Fool?,

I am in my final year of University and I have dated my boyfriend for 5 years. In high school, we did everything together, but everything changed when we went to different Universities and had to go the LDR path.

The beginning had its ups and downs. Overall, it was stressful only seeing each other for 2 days on the weekends and having the pressure to get along well, connect and be in love.

I think we still held on to the past amazing memories of high school. I have learned now not to live in the past.

Another major point of LDR is TRUST. Since he crossed the line about once a year with another University girl, my trust was quite low. It opened the door to jealousy and sarcasm on my end. My motivation for visits became meeting whatever girls he has as friends and seeing my threats, not being in love and spending quality time with him.

The real defining moment came when we went on third year University exchanges. After that, by our fifth year of dating, the relationship was way too stressful, turbulent and intense. We had become our own individuals and gone our own separate paths. I am very career-oriented and am looking for a full-time job soon after graduation. He is starting another exchange in Asia and plans to do more traveling for the next few years and go to University part-time.

It has been incredibly hard to face the music that we are no longer hand-in-hand on the same path, but it must be done. I am not saying all long distance relationships are doomed, but I do believe that they are very hard for young people. He was always tempted by others. I found it hard to concentrate on school and see him at the same time. It was also hard to provide emotional support and time. I now see why he was tempted — there were so many girls on campus, and I have no way of competing, miles away.