Dear Alice,

RE: Friends for first year guy?

I am a junior in college, and I went through the same problem. I think I am pretty shy too. I remember being miserably lonely the first three weeks, just because I didn't have any friends. I felt like I had to be unnaturally outgoing. For that matter, I felt like I had no idea who I was. It felt like I had a brand new slate for my personality, because no one I knew from high school went to my university. Then I started to realize that I still liked certain things and didn't like certain things (i.e. parties), and that I drifted towards certain kinds of people after all. It was a little disturbing, to realize I was more a creature of habit than I thought. Anyway, everyone else in my dorm seemed to be insta-friends with each other within two weeks. I didn't get it. I'm not an insta-friend person. But after awhile, some friendships just sort of happened. A few friendships came from utility, so to speak, especially freshman semester. It feels a little cheap, those "being alone sucks, let's hang out together" friendships, but they can slowly become deeper, good friendships. One of my now good friends started out simply as "that kid I seem to have several classes with." We thought the other person was kind of interesting, so we started eating at the dining hall together, partly because it was better than eating alone, partly because the other person told funny stories, partly just to have someone to talk to. Then we'd invite each other to watch TV or study. And slowly, we became good friends. It took a semester or two, though. Yeah, student groups are a good idea. What's to lose by going to them? I dropped out of most of the groups I attended freshman semester, but I kept going to a few groups I really liked. I've met some nice people, and I made some friends indirectly through the groups. I think freshman semester, most of my friendships were still pretty shallow. I guess I had to learn how to make friends. But as a junior, I have a handful of really close friends now. We call each other when we're going to the movies, when we're worried, when we need a favor, or when we just want to hear how the other person is doing. It's great.