I am an 18-year-old male. And I lost my ability to reproduce in a bull riding accident at a rodeo I competed in about two years ago. I would like to father children more than anything. And now I have a girlfriend who is talking of wanting to have kids in the future. But I can't bring myself to tell her that I can't because I still haven't dealt with the problem of coping with it myself. I need to know how to deal with the fact I cannot have kids, especially now that my significant other wants them, but is ignorant to the fact that I am sterile. Please help me ASAP! This is tearing me apart.

How you are feeling is understandable; if it's any consolation, know that this is not something you need to cope with by yourself.

Losing one's ability to reproduce is a huge issue and one that needs to be explored and, in its way, grieved, so that you can come to terms with it. Counselors are available who specialize in issues related to infertility; they have experience helping people cope with their inability to produce sperm or conceive, as well as with their discomfort in telling their partner about this information. A qualified infertility counselor helps people explore their options to become a parent, including adoption or sperm donation, or if that is not a person's choice, to arrive at a positive decision to live child-free.

The exact nature of your accident or the details of your diagnosis of infertility is unclear; however, if conceiving a child that is genetically related to you is very, very important to you (and, once you've explored this with a qualified counselor, you may be surprised to find that the genetic part is not really that important), make sure you explore the many possibilities for assisted reproduction that are available today before you write off your chances of becoming a father, biologically. Then, if you eventually decide to explore this avenue, you can make an appointment for a complete evaluation at an infertility clinic (preferably one affiliated with a major teaching hospital, where they are more likely to be on the cutting-edge in terms of new technology and practice). To find a counselor or a clinic near you, you can contact RESOLVE, The National Infertility Association, which provides education, advocacy, and support for people facing infertility, at 1.888.623.0744.

When you have finally come to grips with the medical and emotional aspects of your infertility (as well as explored all the physical aspects), then it is, of course, important to discuss the issue with your girlfriend, especially if your relationship remains serious. Hopefully, if you have done your "homework," you will have developed the understanding and knowledge needed to be able to present this issue to her in a calm and confident manner. The best approach is to be straightforward: tell her you feel you are at a point in your relationship where you need to share something important with her. Describe your accident and its ramifications, then tell her that you might have to explore other methods if you want to have children. If necessary, you can suggest that the two of you discuss the situation together with a counselor. It is understandable that you fear your girlfriend might reject you when she finds out that you can't conceive children; however, if you think it through, you will probably come to the realization that someone who would reject you for this reason is likely not someone you'd want to share parenting responsibilities with anyway.

Alice

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