Dear Mary,

Most parents and caregivers find it uncomfortable to talk with their children about sexuality issues. Some are afraid of providing too much information. Others are worried about starting this conversation too early. Still others worry that if they talk about sexuality, their children will have sex before they or the parents are ready.

By taking the initiative to provide your daughters with information and support about sexuality issues early on, you are taking steps to role model positive conversations. The infamous "BIG TALK" from previous generations is obsolete. These days, parents are encouraged to begin talking with their children in early childhood, creating a dialogue with openness and trust that can continue through the pre-teen years, adolescence, and young adulthood — thereby building the foundation for them to become sexually healthy adults.

You can be reassured that you already have been doing this daunting task; you likely have been holding your daughters tenderly and lovingly, and sexuality info is provided through your touch and caring. You probably have bathed them in tubs, either washing or helping them wash their genitals (private parts), as well as teaching them about what they are, and how to wipe and wash them so as not to get infections. Perhaps you have been giving them names for their body parts. The respect you show for your daughters as people is a way for them to see how to treat others, and this is a form of sex education.

It's helpful to think about the messages that you want to share with them. For example, you can let each of them know that you love them and want them to know that you will always be there to support them and help them. The way that you talk with your three-year-old will be different from the way that you talk with your six- and eight-year-old, but the underlying message will be the same. Address sexuality-related issues the same way. For younger children, such as your three-year-old, you can begin to talk about sexuality by using correct names for body parts. As you are identifying the eyes, nose, mouth, ears, neck, and chest, incorporate the breasts and vulva, and move down the rest of the body to the feet. For your three-year-old and for your older girls, you can let them know about "good" touching and "bad" touching, and teach them that their body belongs to them. For more specific suggestions on age-appropriate messages about many sexuality-related topics, you can check out the Guidelines for Comprehensive Sexuality Education Kindergarten - 12th Grade. While this is intended as a framework to design or evaluate a sexuality education program, it can also be helpful for parents. Books, pamphlets, web sites, and movies also can spark conversations, allowing you to share your messages.

Communication about important issues is a learning experience for both you and your girls. Giggles, stunned silence, and other awkward moments are perfectly normal. The more committed you are to your mission, the easier the talking and the more casual it may become.

The following additional tips from Families Are Talking — a project of the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the Unites States (SIECUS) — can help you have ongoing discussions with your children.

1. Learn to see "teachable moments" (situations that occur in our day-to-day lives) to share your values.
2. Remind yourself that it is okay to feel uncomfortable.
3. You don't have to wait until your children ask questions.
4. Be "ask-able," open, accepting of discussion. Respond the way veteran sex educator Sol Gordon suggests, by saying, "That's a good question."
5. Consider the "question behind the question."
6. Listen.
7. Remember that facts are not enough.
8. Talk about the joys of sexuality.
9. Keep in mind that you are talking with your children because you care about their happiness and well-being.
10. Know what is being taught, if anything, formally or informally, about sexuality in your schools, faith communities, and youth groups.

It is not clear if you have been able to find support over the years to heal from your childhood experience of abuse. Ellen Bass and Laura Davis's book, The Courage to Heal: A Guide to Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, or anything else they have written, has been helpful for many survivors. If you are interested in talking with someone about this, there are psychologists, social workers, and psychotherapists who are trained and have experience working with survivors. Support groups for women or adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse are also available.

Here are some resources for parents and caregivers that provide more details on talking about sexuality issues.

• Sexuality Education in the Home: A SIECUS Annotated Bibliography provides a comprehensive list of books and other resources for parents, children, and adolescents.
• Families Are Talking is a web site that provides information for parents and caregivers, including a quarterly newsletter to help families talk about sexuality issues.
• Debra W. Haffner's books, From Diapers to Dating: A Parent's Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Children, from Infancy to Adolescence and Beyond the Big Talk: Every Parent's Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Teens From Middle School to High School and Beyond
• Hilda Hutcherson's book, What Your Mother Never Told You about S-E-X

You can do this! You may even see and seize a "teachable moment" today.

Alice

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