Talking with parents

Parents find porn in the boys' room

Originally Published: October 13, 2000

 

Dear Alice,

I have found pornographic material in my teenage boys' bedroom. I know the desire for them to discover their sexuality is good and healthy, but I have a problem with them having the material. I want the boys to learn to respect women as women and not as sex objects. My husband and I have some magazines (in a safe the boys cannot get into) that we look at together and enjoy. I know my husband and myself respect each other for who we are. I do not want the boys to use women as only sexual objects.

I am not sure if I should forbid the material or not? Please advise.

 

Dear Reader,

Parents can use this and other situations as opportunities to communicate their values about sexuality to their children. In deciding whether to forbid the material or not, defining your family values is the key in helping you make the decision. Use the following points to guide you:

• Think about how you feel and discuss this with your husband.
• Talk about the many emotions and feelings that may surface, yours and your sons'.
• Decide what values you want to instill in your teens. Keep in mind, though, that you found the material in their room. Was it kept privately? Did you not respect their boundaries?

Consider the messages that you want to convey to your sons. The following points are examples:

• You may both agree that these images sexually objectify women, and that you want your boys to respect women.
• Maybe you want to address body image and discuss with your teenagers that most women (and men) do not look like the images in the material.
• Perhaps you want to address that some adults use this material to enhance their sexual fantasies, and that while it is healthy for both adults and teens to fantasize, the problem is that these photos or magazines perpetuate stereotypes and create unrealistic messages about sexuality.

The next step is to talk with your sons. Realize that the way in which you and your husband handle the situation will send a message to them about how you deal with sexuality issues. It might be more comfortable and less threatening to approach the topic casually, as it can also show them how approachable you are as parents to talk about these issues.

Use everyday situations as opportunities to tell your boys what you think about important issues. It will also give you the chance to discuss your family values.

• During a television program that has sex scenes, say your piece or begin a dialogue, such as "I don't like the way he treated her. How do you feel about it?"
• While driving on the highway with your teens as you pass by sexually suggestive billboard advertisements, discuss these with them by talking about the product they are selling and how they are using sexy images of women (and men) to sell the product.
• Another way to approach the situation is to go to the bookstore with your sons and purchase popular culture magazines for young men. Many of the magazines portray alluring images of women. These images may not be as explicit as the material that you found, but they can definitely be used to get your point across.
• Also, buy some sex education books for your boys to read that can be found on the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States (SIECUS) web site and under the Sexuality and/or Adolescents sections of your local bookstore. The Go Ask Alice! Book of Answers: A Guide to Good Physical, Sexual, and Emotional Health is one selection to consider.

It's pretty common for parents to find sexually explicit material in their teenagers' room. Adolescence is the time of sexual discovery. Many men are visual, and looking at porn is a way to learn about women's and men's bodies, as well as about what arouses them. When teens masturbate while or after reading porn, they're often focused mainly on release and pleasure. Solo-sex, with external stimuli or not, is also a form of safer sex.

Continuing to have open and honest discussions with your boys about sexuality will help lay the foundation for your teenagers to mature into sexually healthy adults.

Alice

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