Dear Clueless,

Perhaps you're not really as clueless as your by-line infers — writing your question and exploring your emotions and motivations are useful and brave endeavors. You bring up a number of different issues in your letter: feelings of anxiety and uncertainty, mixed reactions at the prospect of getting a new job, and what sounds like some concern (on the part of yourself and some other people in your life) that there may be something serious holding you back in your quest for a career as well as in some social situations.

Based on other things you've said, however, it also sounds like you are functioning well in many respects. You have multiple advanced degrees and have succeeded academically. You are currently employed and are seeking to find even more fulfilling, and better paid, work. These are some signs that with some careful thought and perhaps work with a trained counselor will likely help you figure out what's troubling you and how to manage these issues.

You mention that your father has suggested that you may have a personality disorder. Unfortunately, this is a widely misunderstood concept, one that gets thrown around as a general catch-all term to describe people with some social awkwardness or unusual personality traits. In reality, personality disorders, of which there are eleven, each describe a distinct set of symptoms. In general these include unusual cognitive and emotional patterns of response and understanding, impaired interpersonal relationships, and concerns around impulse control. Although many people (probably everyone!) can identify with at least a few of the patterns of behavior involved with these disorders at some point in their lives, it is only when these behaviors and traits are long-standing and inflexible, present since the teen-age years or early adulthood, and vary significantly from what is acceptable within a person's culture, that they may be considered diagnosable. In addition, these characteristics must cause significant personal distress and impairment in a person's social life, work success, and other important areas. It is truly best to have a mental health professional do an assessment to figure out whether a personality disorder might be at the root of some of your concerns. You can read more about these conditions in the resources suggested below.

While it may be worthwhile to consider this possibility, it can also be useful to think about some other explanations. You may have a personality disorder, or may not. Either way, what is most important is that you feel confident and comfortable with how and where your life is going. Talking with a supportive friend or relative is a good place to start. You may also want, or prefer, to seek out the assistance of a trained counselor, clergy person you trust, or mentor. If you're a Columbia student, you can stop by or call Counseling and Psychological Services (CPS) at x4-2468 to make an appointment. Check out some of the resources listed below for further information and referrals off-campus. Some of the questions you and a counselor might explore are: How long have you been feeling the way you do right now? Have you often struggled to commit yourself to jobs, activities, and other responsibilities, or is this a new experience? How would you describe the quality of your personal interactions? What kinds of situations make you feel shy? What about those that make you feel sure of yourself?

Keep in mind that many people waffle back and forth when it comes to leaving the world of academia and setting out to find a job. For some, this is because of a combination of low self-esteem, procrastination, and fear of the unknown. For others, a lack of clarity in goals and direction can lead to stalling and ambivalence. It's not unusual to hear recent graduates complain about seemingly dead-end job searches, anticipated boredom, or fear of getting in over their heads. I want a better job! in Alice's Emotional Health archive offers some tips and strategies for figuring out your career goals and how to get there.

Another possibility is that self-doubt and/or anxiety are holding you back. The reader in Struggling with low self-esteem describes some feelings with which you might relate. You described yourself as shy yet sometimes arrogant. Many people who are struggling with a faltering self-image and general worry over-compensate by presenting themselves as extremely self-confident, together, and even sometimes cocky. The key here is to figure out how your sense of yourself and your behavior are affecting your life and relationships. When you don't see anyone for days, is it because you are absorbed by a personal project, or because you're afraid of interactions? Do you feel comfortable being alone, or are you isolated and lonely?

Whether you work with someone short- or long-term, the insight and support of a therapist can help you to figure out how to best tackle your concerns, and develop some new strategies for reaching your goals and presenting yourself in ways that feel comfortable for you and to those you care about. Check out the links below for further info and suggestions:

• Mental Help Net
• National Institute of Mental Health
• American Psychiatric Association

Alice

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