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Grief and loss
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Father died, grief grows
Originally Published: March 03, 2000
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Dear Alice, I am seventeen and about to turn eighteen tomorrow. My father died on December 30, 1999. When he died, I was his only contact. I saw him for the first time a week before Christmas and on every Christmas day since my ninth birthday. We were extremely close when I was young and the reason I did not see him was because of a court order because he was an alcoholic. When he died, I was the only one who knew. I had to tell everyone and luckily his brother paid for the funeral. I've been finding out some really bad things that have been going on with him the last few years. When he died, he had already stopped drinking, but it was too late. My question is, what to do? I feel so alone and empty inside, and my little brother took it really hard. I miss him so much and the pain is getting worse. What can I do?
Dear Reader, It's normal to feel all kinds of emotions from your father's recent death -- anger, sadness, loneliness, shock, and emptiness are among some feelings people commonly experience with the loss of a loved one. Your father's alcoholism and the huge impact it had on him, you, and your family could understandably make his passing even more difficult to handle. These feelings can come and go, intensify or subside, and can change over time. Although grief can continue for years to come, with many people saying that the first year is usually the hardest, most find that grief lessens as time passes. It's important to give yourself time to mourn and not be afraid to ask for assistance. Reaching out to Alice was your first brave step. Seeking the support of others is your next step. Sharing your feelings with someone you trust could not only ease the pain, but can help you to resolve your raw and unfinished feelings and heal, thereby creating closure. Regarding your dad's drinking, have you ever talked with someone about his alcoholism? Sometimes children of alcoholics (COAs) experience guilt, anxiety, anger, depression, or embarrassment about a parent's drinking. Check out the Children of Alcoholics Foundation and the National Association for Children of Alcoholics web sites for additional resources and information. Many good books on this topic are also available at your local bookstore. You seem to be a responsible person. You were able to find the courage to tell others of your father's death and help make arrangements for his funeral. You're also worried about how your little brother is coping. You can try talking with him about your own feelings and letting him know that you care. For additional support, there are probably counselors at his school, or maybe someone at a church or synagogue or temple who can help him. Remember to be realistic -- you may not be ready to be there for your brother just yet. You may need to deal with your own feelings first before you can handle being a source of support to him. If you're a Columbia student, call x4-2468 to make an appointment at Counseling and Psychological Services (CPS) to talk with a therapist. CPS also offers a bereavement support group that can help you to share your mourning and encourage you on a path towards healing. If you're in high school, you can talk with a school counselor, a social worker, or a teacher you feel you can trust. Outside of Columbia, ask your primary health care provider for a referral. There's also a website called GriefNet, which links to a variety of resources related to death, dying, bereavement, and other major emotional losses. Some good books are also listed on this site that could be of some benefit to you. Healing Children's Grief, by Grace Hyslop Christ, DSW, addresses children who've lost a parent to cancer; reading the stories of others who have gone through what you're experiencing may help you to find some comfort. In addition, you may find it helpful to read these past Go Ask Alice! Q&As from people who have also lost a loved one: The best to you during this very tough time,
Related Q&As |
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