Dear Jenny from Idaho,

Divorce is one of the most difficult transitions a family can go through. There's no "right time" to stop, or in your case start, thinking about how your parents' divorce has affected you. You may know other people whose parents have separated more recently, but it's normal that you still feel sad and alone sometimes. It's actually very common, too, for people to fantasize about "the perfect family" around the holidays. Everyone is supposed to feel joyous and friendly, spending time together celebrating. Yeah right! Many people — young and old alike — wind up feeling letdown and lonely, instead. The fact that you have begun to recognize your feelings, and written them here, shows that you're willing to do what it takes to start feeling better.

Since you were very young when your parents got divorced, it may have been hard for you to understand exactly what was going on. Even so, it was probably scary and difficult to go through the changes that followed their splitting up. Back then, you may not have known how to express your worries, confusion, sadness, disappointment, or questions. Maybe that's why some of it is surfacing now — you're older and more mature and have new vocabulary to talk about what's going on inside of you.

You said that nothing's happened in school that you think might be the cause of your new thoughts and feelings. Could any of these other situations be true for you?:

• Many children of divorced parents divide their time between each parent's home, so sometimes it might seem like you don't have enough time with either of them. Does each of your parents set aside time to talk and hang out with you? Has anything changed in your, or their, daily routine?
• Is either of your parents dating someone new? Has either gotten engaged or remarried? Do you worry that you all won't spend time together anymore?
• Have you been talking about different kinds of families with friends? Has anyone made comments or asked questions about your parents, their relationship, or your family in general?
• You mentioned that they don't fight. Are you confused about why they broke up in the first place? It's possible that your parents don't argue when they're around you, or maybe they express their disagreement without "fighting." On the other hand, couples break up for lots of different reasons; the "whys" behind your parent's divorce may not be obvious to you, and maybe not to them, either.
• Has your parents' divorce affected your family financially? Are you worried about money for special events, things you need, or college?
• Now that you're a teenager, you might be wondering about how to make your own romantic relationships work. Maybe it's hard for you to trust people. Maybe you worry that you'll make the same "mistakes" as your parents. Lots of people worry about these very same things -- even into their adulthood. But if you stay as conscious of your feelings and reactions to things as you seem to be now, you'll be prepared to stay tuned in to what can make your relationships successful.

It might help to take some time to think about your family, divorced parents and all, and what works. These days, all kinds of families are being recognized for their strengths and accomplishments, as well as for their special needs. What do you like about your family? What happens that makes you feel supported and loved? What do you enjoy doing together? Do you have siblings? Do you spend time with other relatives, like grandparents, cousins, or godparents? Of course, everyone's family has frustrations. But thinking about the ways that you enjoy your family, and your parents, might help you to re-focus your attention in a positive way.

Also, even though your parents don't live together anymore, it doesn't mean that you can't turn to them when you need help. It can be hard for parents to talk with their kids about divorce. But by talking with your Mom and Dad about the way you've been feeling, you'll have the chance to share something about yourself with them, and maybe even learn a thing or two about them, too.

You're not alone in feeling the way you do. Many young people struggle to understand their parent's break-up -- whether it happened last month, last year, or last decade. That's probably why there are quite a number of books and movies out there that address many of the issues you have brought up here. Browse your local library, bookstore, and video store for titles that interest you. There are lots of novels, non-fiction, dramas, and comedies that share stories and frustrations similar to yours.

Your local YM/YWCA may also have groups where you can share your feelings and experiences with other young people who have gone through divorces or other similar situations as well. There's also Rainbows, an international organization that provides services to families experiencing sadness and grief due to various transitions, including divorce. You can search their web site to find local programs, or contact them at 847.310.1880. Talking with a school counselor, rabbi or minister, your doctor, or another trusted adult can also help to ease your blue feelings.

Alice

Related Q&As

Divorce pain

My dad's cheating on my mom...