Dear One side of the divide,

Do we need to think about this common dilemma in such black and white terms? Could you and your partner have cuddling time when you first get into bed, with a guilt-free understanding that, for now, you'll "go your separate way" when it's time to go to sleep? Yes, it's nice to get cozy with one another when on the way to dreamland, but is there a rule that says "bedmates must stay connected at all times?" There's certainly internal and external pressure to do so: pleasant romantic fantasies and media images of clinging couples, but not-so-comfy connotations when there's separation. If we're lovers, aren't we supposed to want to stay together till death do us part? No, not necessarily; sometimes, we just need our space.

In addition to the start-off-by-cuddling idea above, could you get together more often in waking situations, like on the sofa when reading or watching the tele, on the train, or at the movie theater? Doing so might give you some practice and/or satisfy the desire/need to be physically close that you might be missing because of the sleep interference thing. Alice also wonders about body coverage when the two of you are in bed: is your partner all over you like a fitted sheet, or is s/he just resting a hand, arm, or leg across a small part of your person? The latter will give the two of you some contact and still allow you some "breathing room."

Some of the sleep answers in Alice's General Health archive have suggestions that might also be useful to you. Patience may also be in order here -- getting used to sleeping and touching together can take many a mattress rotation.

Alice