Dear Reader,

It is both courageous and sensible for you and your boyfriend to think about how your religious and spiritual beliefs may impact your relationship, both now and in the future. Many couples find that when they are considering making a commitment to one another, new questions and feelings surface, or suddenly become more important.

You've mentioned that so far, you and your boyfriend have been successful at respecting each other's differing beliefs. Think about what has helped you to do that. As you begin talking further, keep in mind that religion and our concepts of whether there exists a higher being or force can be very difficult, sensitive, and even irrational issues. Here are some general pointers to consider:

• Reassure each other that you care about this relationship. For example, "I care about the success of our relationship, and think that exploring our spiritual views together would help us to understand one another better."
• Express your concerns by using "I" statements. When discussing topics about which you disagree, resist the urge to attack the other's beliefs on intellectual or emotional grounds.
• Accept that on some points, you and your boyfriend may not be sure of how you feel. For many, religious exploration is a life-long process, during which many changes may occur.
• Give yourselves time to think, talk with your families, and remain flexible. Pressuring yourselves or each other to reach a "compromise" or conclusion right away may be unrealistic or even counterproductive.

Another important aspect of your discussion may be how your religious and spiritual beliefs connect to your senses of culture, family, morals, and community. Therefore, some other questions for you and your prospective fiancé to consider might be:

• How are your beliefs connected with your family and/or cultural history?
• Has this connection changed over time? Have your individual beliefs changed over time? If so, what has caused the change(s)?
• What are your families' and friends' views of interfaith relationships?
• Are there specific holidays or rituals that have particular importance for each of you?
• Are there beliefs or practices about which you are not flexible? Are there some about which you are?
• How might your beliefs and their differences affect how you would celebrate holidays together, conduct your wedding service, or raise children?

Talking through these issues is sure to be difficult at times. But in the long run, knowing that you have taken the time to share in each other's beliefs and values can be a bonding experience. In addition, beginning to explore these issues now, rather than waiting until they surface during wedding planning, or even later, can help to stave off heated arguments and unnecessarily hurt feelings.

If your school has a counseling service, you can make an appointment to speak with a therapist there, either separately or together. Speaking with a rabbi, pastor, or minister with whom you feel comfortable could also help. Some members of the clergy are more comfortable with interfaith relationships and marriages than others. You can ask around and try out different people to find someone who is helpful. You might also try speaking with other couples who have negotiated their differences successfully. Congregations and community centers sometimes run discussion and support groups for interethnic and interfaith couples as well. The book Mixed Matches: How To Create Successful Interracial, Interethnic, and Interfaith Relationships by Joel Crohn provides insight, many real-life examples, and exercises that can help you and your boyfriend explore these issues together.

Interfaith Couple in Alice's Relationships archive provides another reader's perspective that may be of interest to you.

Good luck,

Alice

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