Dear Reader,

It's totally reasonable, not wrong, for you to think about this as thoroughly as you have. You care about your friend and want to help her, but you've also got to think about your priorities. There's more to the prom than the event itself, and there are many factors for you to consider.

It sounds like on the one hand, you want to go to your friend's prom, but are concerned about how attending will make your girlfriend feel. Talking with your sweetheart about the situation can help you sort out what would be best in terms of your relationship. Keep in mind that your girlfriend may need assurance that if you do decide to go, it doesn't mean that you have romantic feelings towards your friend. Talking with your girlfriend might also help you to find some constructive ways to work out a compromise with your friend, or express that you can't go in a way that doesn't hurt her feelings.

You also mentioned being strapped for cash. Attending three proms in a row could certainly make for a financial crunch, particularly if you're limited by a student's budget. Will your friend be willing to pay for you? If this is not possible, maybe there is a way to work out the touchy logistics of the money thing in a way that works for both you and your friend. If your dad or a friend owns a tux, maybe you could borrow his for your friend's prom. Or maybe you could simply wear a dark suit, renting only the bowtie and cummerbund. If you're creative, you and your friend are likely to find some ways to make the night fun and exciting, even with a little compromise.

If you decide that attending isn't going to work out, the next step is to think about how you want to tell your friend. One method is to be specific. You could try, "You know, I'm really flattered to be asked to your prom. It was sensitive of you to suggest we go as friends, but I just don't feel right about it, since I'm in a relationship with my girlfriend." Or, "I would really have liked to join you, but I can't afford to go. The cost of my prom, as well as my girlfriend's, has left me high and dry."

Then again, you may want to be brief: "I really appreciate being asked to go to your prom, but I'm not able to go. Thank you so much for thinking of me and asking me." And remember, the sooner you tell her you can't go, the sooner she can shift into PLAN B.

If you feel comfortable, you can follow-up the let-down with some friendly advice. Why not talk with your friend about what PLAN B would be for her? Perhaps there's someone else she can ask? Or maybe you can suggest she go without a date; it's becoming increasingly commonplace and acceptable for both guys and gals to go solo to proms, or to party with a group of close friends instead of a date. Friends night out at the prom can be a fun alternative to being stuck at home (and wondering why you didn't go) or dealing with a dull date. A prom's no fun if you go with someone you didn't want to be with just for the sake of needing to be there as part of a pair.

Whatever you decide, your friend is likely to appreciate your taking the time to consider her offer and talk with her about it. Good luck.

Alice

Related Q&As

Pressured to take a date to the prom