Dear Reader,

Yes, and no. While your intent when inquiring about another person's sexual interests may be well-meaning and self-protective, the object of your affection may get bent out of shape no matter how you go about gathering your information. And, asking doesn't always yield an honest answer. Coming out to one's self and others is a complicated, difficult, and frightening process for many gay men and lesbians, as our society's predominant message about homosexuality remains, "gay people are inferior, gay people are strange, so don't ask and don't tell."

One possible way to avoid even needing to broach the sexuality subject is to sharpen your awareness and intuition. If you don't already, spend time with gay people, read a gay novel, or see a gay-themed movie. To say that after doing so you will become the "Ace Ventura" of sexual orientation is ridiculous, but, at a minimum, it might give you some information about gay men and lesbians that could make future experiences with would-be gay friends, relatives, and, yes, dates, less awkward. Many gay people, if they choose, can navigate the heterosexual lifestyle because it has always been a big part of their lives: around the family dinner table, at the prom, in the streets, on television, etc. It would stand to reason that many heterosexuals wouldn't get as seasick about homosexuals if they got to know them and their issues.

So, if and when you decide to scout out the sexual ID of your next date, let "unassuming" and "nonhostile" be the guides for the words you choose. Helping someone to feel comfortable and nonthreatened in your presence may go a long way toward what they share with you about themselves. For example, "Have you ever lived with a girl or guy before?", or "What was your last girlfriend's or boyfriend's name?" Or, use the info you gained from the suggestions in the last paragraph to show how nonjudgmental and new-Century you are: "Didn't you love that flick, 'Boys In Love,'" or "Let's go to Queerateria -- they have the best music." If you're meeting your men at the Queerateria, in the local gay bookstore, or at the Pride March, then you might consider some other places where you'd be more likely to meet men definitely seeking women.

A final thought here: you sound like a caring and compassionate person, so perhaps you attract some men who are questioning their sexuality. Could your kind nature be helping them out of the closet? "Yes" would not be such a bad answer, and it just might better your chance of someday meeting an even better Mr. Right.

Alice

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