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Relating and communicating
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Stay with boyfriend or move on to new relationship?
Originally Published: September 11, 1998
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Dear Alice, My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. Living together for two, I have supported us financially pretty much since the beginning of the relationship since he has not had steady work. We enjoy being together most of the time and his work prospects have recently greatly improved. However, I have a male friend (unknown to my boyfriend -- he doesn't believe that women should have men as friends) who is attracted to me and I had a brief emotional affair with him (no sex). Although I know I don't want a serious relationship with my friend, I think about him a lot and I can't achieve orgasm with my boyfriend without thinking about the closeness and warmth I experienced with this other man. My boyfriend and I have had our share of relationship problems and I have tried to break up with him, but somehow I always end up agreeing to try harder to make things work. But even though I don't really want my friend, I can't get him off my mind. I wonder if I do need to break up with my boyfriend!
Dear Reader, Since there are a number of issues to sort through, it may help to think about them one at a time. First of all, it seems as if you feel this other man is meeting your needs for closeness and warmth in a way that your boyfriend is not. It may help to sit down alone and identify the specific emotions that this other man fosters in you. How do you feel when you are with him? What differences are there between the way the two of you interact in comparison to you and your boyfriend? This type of thought p rocess might lead you to a deeper understanding of why you are feeling unfulfilled in your current relationship -- something which seems to be expressing itself in your trouble achieving orgasm. Next, it is normal and quite common, in fact, for people to find themselves attracted to other people while in a relationship. It is also reasonable to enjoy the company of many people, seeking different friendships -- each having their special elements. One question to ask is -- Why does your boyfriend believe that women should not have male friends? Have you ever discussed his concerns about this? What are your reasons for wanting male companionship outside of your romantic relationship? These migh t be some areas to explore with your boyfriend, even without discussing your emotional affair. Some other things to consider might be how supporting your boyfriend financially has made you feel and behave, how he seems to feel about this issue, and what, if any, impact this has had on your career decisions. A thorough discussion of these issues mi ght help to flesh out some of the difficulties in your relationship. Alice was also interested in your statement that you and your boyfriend have had difficulties before, leading you to attempt, repeatedly, to break off the relationship. What has caused you to change your mind and "agree to try harder"? Has this been fue led by your interest in preserving the relationship, or have you felt pressured by your boyfriend? How has this left you feeling? All of these questions might be important to consider when re-evaluating your relationship and your interest in possibly seeking intimacy with another man. Whatever you decide, thinking about your feelings and needs and having honest discussions with you r boyfriend can only be beneficial to each of you as individuals, and as a couple. Also, mulling things over with someone you trust may help. If you are at Columbia, you can call x4-2468 to make an appointment with a counselor at Counseling and Psycholo gical Services (CPS) if you would like to explore these issues. Outside of Columbia, if you'd like a referral to a licensed psychologist or social worker in your area, contact the American Psychological Association at (800) 374-2721 or (202) 336-5500, or the National Association of Social Workers at (202) 408-8600.
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