Dear Scared and in love...,

Violence does seem to breed violence in many instances. Your fears are not unfounded. However, Alice urges you to keep things in perspective. Diabetes runs in Alice's family, but Alice does not have diabetes. Alice is glad she knows her family history -- she is pretty careful about her diet, knows the warning signs of the disease, and has her doctor check for diabetes when she goes for a physical. In your boyfriend's case, his awareness might be the best means for him to break the cycle of violence.

Okay, diabetes is different from domestic violence. There is a parallel here, though. You see, it's good that both you and your boyfriend know what sort of abuse he lived with. You need to know and understand what impact it can have, both for him personally and in his relationships.

From your comment, "I have read that abusive behavior can be genetic, but [my boyfriend] argues that it is not," Alice assumes that you have been investigating family violence issues. Your boyfriend has more evidence to support his side of the argument. Much study in this area has shown a strong relationship between socialization and violence, that it is a learned, rather than inherited, behavior. Although controversial, some researchers have examined whether or not violence can be influenced by biology or genetics as well. Theories have been offered, but, so far, results have been inconclusive.

If he hasn't already, it could help if your boyfriend went for counseling to sort out his past. If he has problems with anger or with expressing his emotions, now would be a good time to start working on that. You might benefit from speaking with a counselor, too. Or, the two of you could seek counseling together. Start with the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-SAFE (-7233) for referrals in your area.

Alice

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