WHAT WOULD YOU SUGGEST I DO TO SPICE UP MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY BOYFRIEND? WE ARE NO LONGER AFFECTIONATE TO EACH OTHER LIKE WE USED TO BE WHEN WE JUST MET. PLEASE HELP ME. I AM DESPERATE FOR YOUR ADVICE.

It's not completely clear from your question what the exact situation is. Is it that you are not affectionate with each other, with not even a kind word? Not physically affectionate with each other, without hugs or kisses? Or, not having sex together, or not getting naked? Is sex just boring? Or, is the whole relationship boring? Also, how long have you been together? It is different if you are bored after one or 6 months, or two, 10, or 20 years.

First, see if you can be realistic in your expectations. Over time, few couples are able to maintain the same sizzle they felt when they first met. If you want the comfort, familiarity, and safety of a long-term monogamous relationship, you usually don't have the mystery, excitement, thrill, and intensity of a new relationship. And, if you hunger for that mystery, excitement, thrill, and intensity to feel like you're living life, then maybe a long-term monogamous relationship isn't for you; but then, of course, you don't get all that comfort and security. So what happens if you try to consider not what you don't have, but what you do have?

It could be that what you're really missing in your relationship is intimacy. Generally, intimacy is defined as taking place between two people and involving verbal intimacy (self-disclosure), emotional intimacy (feeling close), and, sometimes, physical intimacy (touching). Physical intimacy does not have to be sexual, but can involve things such as sitting next to each other, giving a loving touch, holding hands, and hugging. Interestingly, of the three types of intimacy — verbal, emotional, and physical — the latter is the least important when it comes to satisfaction in long-term relationships. Although the word "intimacy" is often used as a euphemism for sex (which may be why many people make the mistake of believing that sex is the ultimate expression of intimacy), the truth is that sex is not even an essential ingredient in an intimate relationship. Intimacy can take place between people who are not lovers, and people can be sexual with each other — even in long-term relationships — and still not be intimate. In a romantic relationship that is intimate, sex can be the frosting on the cake — but it is not the cake.

Intimacy takes effort. Intimacy requires the kind of trust and mutual understanding that allows each partner to dare to reveal more and more of their true selves. It requires the ability to be vulnerable because it is only when we reveal our feelings, share our insecurities, and rely on the support of another, that we are in the optimum position to change and to grow. Intimacy means the ability to express a full range of emotions — fear, anger, happiness, sadness. It means being able to be honest about what we like and do not like to ourselves and to another. It means being able to say what we are willing and unwilling to do. Because of that, intimacy requires an ability to negotiate and to resolve conflict. Finally, intimacy requires partners to accept and honor themselves because it is only when you feel that your true self is worthy and valuable that you will be able to reveal yourself to another person. The rewards of intimacy are great: when you are intimate with someone, you feel truly known, accepted, and understood. As a relationship progresses and the initial sizzle begins to cool, it is intimacy that keeps the couple feeling satisfied and connected. A relationship without intimacy will eventually feel empty.

Ultimately, only you can decide what the problem in your relationship is.

If there's still plenty of affection (you still say and do loving things and greet each other with a smooch and cuddle up next to each other on the couch when you're watching a video), but the problem is that sex has become boring and predictable (and, therefore, feels hardly worth the effort so that it has become extremely infrequent), that's not so unusual. At the same time, even though it is pretty common for the initial flames of passion to fade a bit in a long-term relationship, it isn't necessary for it to be sexless (unless, of course, you're both comfortable with an affectionate, but sexless, relationship). At least a zillion books out there can give you lots of ideas for spicing up your sex life, whether it be by experimenting with new positions, trying out role plays/acting out fantasies, exploring each other's bodies with the help of flavored edible lube, or combining sex with meditation — you name it.

If there's just no affection between you at all — no "hi sweeties," no hugs, nothing — then that's a sign of a more serious underlying problem (for example, sometimes withheld anger can get in the way of verbal and physical affection in a relationship) that you will need to explore with your partner. Often, untangling the myriad issues that may be affecting your relationship can be difficult to do on your own, so you might consider seeing a couples therapist together so that you two can begin developing some momentum in a positive direction.

If, on the other hand, your relationship is just dead in the water (i.e., you and/or your boyfriend just don't love each other any more), then you and/or he need to, first, figure out why you're/he's staying in the relationship (fear of being on one’s own, perhaps?), then find a way to change your/his thinking and make plans to move on. If it proves too difficult for either of you to extricate yourself even though you know the relationship is done, then you and/or he, again, might want to consider seeing a counselor.

Finally, if you think that intimacy is something you'd like to work on, whether in this or in a future relationship, you can start by checking out these books:

The Intimacy Factor : The Ground Rules for Overcoming the Obstacles to Truth, Respect, and Lasting Love, by Pia Mellody and Lawrence S. Freundlich

The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships, by Harriet Lerner

Passionate Marriage: Love, Sex, and Intimacy in Emotionally Committed Relationships, by David Schnarch

Naked Intimacy: How to Increase True Openness in Your Relationship, by Joel D. Block

Hope this helps,

Alice

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