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Nonconsensual relationships
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Relationship — Abusive?
Originally Published: October 25, 1996
~ Last Updated / Reviewed on: July 07, 1998
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Dear Alice, What is the criteria for determining if a relationship is abusive? My husband has never struck me in anger or injured me, but he is constantly poking, tickling, flicking me, etc. When I tell him to stop, he usually says, "Why should I?" and continues a little bit more. It's like a kid tormenting a little sister. He gets right in my face and sometimes pokes me in the chest while he's telling me something. There's never any anger until I get mad at him for doing it, and then he tells me he's just playing. The other night when I told him to stop poking me, he said, "I'll do whatever I want." That really bothered me. When he does get angry, he usually just ignores me, but occasionally he'll throw something (but not at me). What do you think? How can I make him understand that his "playing" is upsetting? Is this type of behavior a precursor of actual violence?
Dear Reader, Has your husband been treating you in this manner for a long while? Or has this behavior occurred more recently? What caused you to speak about it now? Did it start before or after your marriage? Has he ever acted this way to other people? Your husband's behavior toward you, which apparently he considers playful and harmless, is harassment. He bullies and teases you to a point that provokes anger and torment in you, and Alice strongly encourages you to deal with it as soon as possible. Your husband is exhibiting immature and inappropriate behavior -- that's not your fault. He may want more attention from you (because he may feel neglected in the relationship); it could be related to something outside of your relationship, such as problems with his job, other family members, friends, etc., and he is transferring his anxiety over these matters to his relationship with you, possibly in order to establish some control or power; if this behavior started recently, then it could reflect a medical or psychological condition that did not occur before; or, this may be his "funny" (but unhealthy) way of showing you affection. Obviously, you have made several attempts to talk with him about his behavior, but to no avail. He will probably continue to "play" and torment you unless you become more assertive in your response (beyond just telling him to stop). Tell him about what is going on, find out why he is treating you in this way, and let him know how it makes you feel -- that it is disrespectful of your feelings and hurts you. This may be hard, but try to remain as calm as possible, especially when he ignores your requests for him to stop. His tuning you out makes communication difficult, if not impossible, at that time. If this is his typical reaction, then gently ask him about his behavior at another time, when he has regained composure. If there never seems to be a good time to approach him about the situation, then consider seeking professional help for yourself, for him, and/or for the two of you as a couple. To encourage him to go, tell him how much you love him and how much the marriage means to you (if this is how you feel), and that if he also values the relationship, then the two of you need to seek help together to resolve the problems that could strain and eventually break up your relationship. Alice urges you to prioritize your needs over his, especially if he seems uncooperative or unwilling to seek help. If he will not go, and you want to make a change, by all means, contact a counselor, psychologist, or social worker in your area as soon as possible. If you are at Columbia, call x4-2468 to make an appointment with a professional at Counseling and Psychological Services (CPS). Your husband needs to realize that he can't do "whatever he wants" to you because he doesn't own you, and that being married to you does not serve as justification for his behavior. You need not tolerate such behavior from him. He needs to respect you and treat you as your own person, not as an underling or object. If he values your marriage and relationship, and if he wants it to grow and solidify, he needs to realize that a successful and healthy relationship relies on equality, mutual respect, and hard work on his part, too. It is very difficult to say whether or not this type of behavior is a precursor to physical violence. However, it seems that emotional violence/abuse/harm already exists in your relationship. Get the help you need and deserve in dealing with him. Getting help now may prevent possible physical violence in the future. Domestic violence hotlines are another resource -- even in advance of actual physical violence. In New York City, call 800.621.4673; in New York State, call 800.942.6906 (English) / 800.942.6908 (Spanish); and, outside of New York, call the bilingual National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800.799.SAFE/-7233. You can also call the Victim Services Agency at 212.577.7777.
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