Coming out

Coming out to Mom

Originally Published: October 18, 1996 ~ Last Updated / Reviewed on: September 21, 2007

          

 

Dear Alice,

How do you think I should go about coming out of the closet to my mother?

 

Dear Reader,

One of the goals of National Coming Out Day (October 11) is to motivate people to say, "I am proud of who I am." Whether or not your decision to talk with mom about your sexual orientation is inspired by this annual celebration, bravo to you for the desire to be honest, to grow, and to be more true to yourself.

The direct approach would be, "Hi mom, I'm gay... this is important to me, and I would like to talk with you about it." Or, "I'm a lesbian... if you'd like, we can discuss what this means." This "cut-to-the-chase" method can get you right to the "where will we go from here" stage, cutting out much of the agony that commonly precedes publicly saying, "I'm gay, lesbian, or bisexual." Another approach is: "Mom and Dad, there's something important I'd like to talk with you about. You know how much your love and support mean to me. I'm depending on your strength when I talk with you about this." Or, "Do you remember when we watched [insert gay-themed TV show/movie title here] together? Well...." However, being that direct may be painfully difficult for both parent and child.

There really is no one right way to come out. So, in lieu of a litany of suggestions for direct and indirect coming out strategies, here are some suggested readings from the many books on the subject along with organizations that will likely boost your confidence and generate a variety of ideas during this important process:

• Outing Yourself, by Michaelangelo Signorile
• Coming Out to Parents, by Mary Borhek
• Is It a Choice?, by Eric Marcus
• Now That You Know: What Every Parent Should Know About Homosexuality, by Betty Fairchild and Nancy Hayward
• The National Coming Out Project: 800.866.6263
• The Gay and Lesbian National Hotline A nationwide toll-free peer counseling, information, and referral line 888.THE.GLNH (843.4564) [4:00 PM - 12:00 midnight EST (M - F); 12 noon - 5:00 PM EST (Sa)]

If you're at Columbia, another school, or anywhere else, you might know of teachers, counselors, health care providers, clergy, friends, or role models who can provide you with advice and support (for Columbia students, Counseling and Psychological Services (CPS) at x4-2878). Additionally, many colleges and universities (including Columbia) have a gay & lesbian student organization. Members of the group may be able to share their experiences and help you process the ideas on how to approach your family. Regardless of how you choose to come out, allow a moment of reflection to give yourself credit for the strength it takes to reach out and connect with your family in a new way.

Good luck and congrats,

Alice

P.S.: There's a British flick, "Beautiful Thing," about the coming out struggles and joys of two teenagers and their families. You might want to watch it (if you haven’t already).

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