Dear Desperate,

What is the problem you are having with your boyfriend? Is he mean, complacent, uncommunicative, dull, drugged-out, needy, demanding, undermining? Or, is the problem you are having with yourself? That you are unsure of your love for him is an issue for you, not a problem with him. Consider the pros and cons. If the cons are greater than the pros, then you need to think about leaving. If you are unsure, you need to figure it out as well. There are many ways to do this: Make lists of what you like, love, and dislike about your boyfriend. This way, you can identify the plus and minus sides more easily. Think about what you want in your life. If you were to die tomorrow, what would you regret? What role would you want your boyfriend to have played?

Do the two of you have mutual respect, friendship, and trust? Do you show and receive caring from one another? Does your relationship enhance or diminish who you are? Can you picture him as a life partner? People make all kinds of decisions in their lives. As Arlo Guthrie once remarked, "Marrying someone you love is a relatively new idea."

Take some time; talk with your boyfriend (chances are, he may be having some doubts, or at least some feelings, as well); and, talk with a friend, counselor, or therapist, if you need it. Sometimes "falling out of love" is due to withheld anger, outgrowing the other person, changing your mind, and/or developing or acknowledging different priorities. Sometimes it has more to do with one's self than it has to do with the other person.

The point is to DO SOMETHING (rather than nothing). Take action. Change something so that you can learn from it. This is not a dress rehearsal — this is your life! Live it the way you want, and with whom, even if the company you keep is your own. By the action you take, you may discover something that may help you with your decision.

Alice

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