Dear Alice,
I recently had sex with my girlfriend. It was the first time for both
of us. Her hymen broke and she bled a little and even cried but she said
she LOVED it. I, on the other hand, felt no pain, but, at the same time,
I did not have a lot of pleasure. I expected the first time to be much
better, but her vagina seemed to be too relaxed and I did not feel a lot
of pressure on my penis. Virgins are supposed to have tight vaginas to
make sex more enjoyable. My girlfriend used to go to ballet for ten
years and she always does the splits and squats. Do you think that
made her vaginal muscles relaxed, or is it just that she did not know
how to please me? I am really frustrated and lied to her, telling her I
loved it, too. Please help me out.
— Disappointed
Dear Disappointed,
It is not uncommon for anyone to be disappointed when they have their
first sexual intercourse. The experience is filled with expectation,
hope, anxiety, excitement, and fear. For some, it is important to get
"this virginity thing" over with. Often, pressure is a greater factor
than pleasure.
Since women are all different, the tightness of the vagina, or of the
vaginal "grip," varies. If you place your finger just inside her vagina
and ask her to squeeze, you will probably feel her vaginal muscles
tighten.
It is not clear to Alice if her vagina could be tighter, or if you have
an unrealistic expectation. For example, how do you masturbate? Few
vaginas are able to grab onto a penis as strongly as one's own hand.
If that might be the case, you can teach yourself to masturbate
using a looser grip. Use a water-based lube or your other hand. Changing
your pattern can help you learn to respond to different stimuli so that
you increase your own opportunities for pleasure.
Being a good lover takes time, patience, trust, talking, listening, and
practice. Truthfulness and authenticity also play an important part,
since sexuality and intimacy involve more than gymnastics. Along
these lines, Alice suggests that you do not tell someone that you
love the sex if you do not. It is not fair to her/him, and it is not
fair to you. Furthermore, it interferes with "continuous improvement!"
Relax a bit; build confidence in yourself, in your body, in hers; and,
bask in the challenge and opportunity to learn together.
- Alice
Related Q&As
- Two virgins -- Use condoms?
- First intercourse: Minimizing pain and maximizing pleasure
- Virgin wonders, 'Will it ever be good for me'?
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Disappointing first time
