Dear Alice,
I was a virgin until about five months ago, and after three hours of
foreplay, I finally penetrated and came right then. Since then, my
girlfriend and I have broken up, but are best friends now. I have a
strange uncontrollable urge to go down on every girl I see (I think
because I enjoy a turned-on girl more than I enjoy anything).
Neither I nor my best friend are seeing anyone, and "friends" have sex all
the time, so what is the best way to ask her to let me "practice"? After
my first "real" sexual experience, I feel incredibly inadequate,
especially since we broke up not long after that. I really want to get
better. Christ, I'm nineteen and not getting any younger.
Active Tongue
Dear Active Tongue,
Alice is delighted to know that you are eager to give women pleasure,
since giving and receiving go hand in glove. It's no wonder you're eager
to have sex. You're nineteen; your hormones are flowing; and, it's
fun, pleasurable, and exciting. In some ways, like a pump being primed,
once you have had sex, you have even more sexual energy.
You say you're eager to have oral sex with your best friend. Alice
assumes you mean your ex-girlfriend. Casually speak with her.
Say something like: "I feel a bit awkward asking you this. Remember when
we were seeing each other and fooling around [or having sex, or
making out, or whatever words you are comfortable with]? I really
enjoyed making love with you, and wonder if you might consider the
possibility of continuing the sexual part of our relationship... I'd
really like to give you pleasure. I trust your judgment and value our
communication. Perhaps you could help me become a better lover? What do
you think?"
You need to be prepared for her answer. She may say "yes," "maybe,"
"tell me more about it," "let me think about it," or "no way!" As the
"Stand Up for Yourself" assertiveness program offered by Columbia's Health
Education Program (x4-5453) talks about, the purpose of assertiveness is
not necessarily to get what you want, but self-respect. It takes a lot of
courage to ask, and asking is the only way to increase the likelihood of
getting what you want.
If the best friend with whom you'd like to practice is not your
ex-girlfriend, you can use the same kind of casual but self-revealing
approach. "You know, there is something I'd like to talk with you about
that makes me feel kind of awkward, and I hope you will hear me out
before you react." Then tell her what you were thinking about. Friends
usually respect and depend upon gentle honesty. You can skip the
potential pitfalls of sex with friends by looking for a brand new partner
who's not a current friend.
Alice agrees with you. Becoming a tender lover takes time and practice;
however, you do have your entire life to learn. If your best friend
is unwilling, too uncomfortable, or fearful that it might jeopardize your
friendship, then Alice suggests finding another partner with whom you
can "practice." By the way, on TV, "friends" seem to have sex all the
time, but Alice thinks reality has a different script.
- Alice
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Practice sex with best friend
