Dear Romeo,

It is possible, and common, for a woman to be a virgin and not have pain or blood during her first intercourse. There are many reasons for this. Perhaps her hymen has already been stretched in other ways, including a regular gynecological exam, through horseback riding, or even by inserting a tampon. The hymen is a thin membrane surrounding the vaginal opening, partially blocking it, but almost never covering the opening completely. If it did, a woman couldn't menstruate. Hymens come in various sizes and shapes, and, for most women, the hymen stretches easily. For more information on how hymens can be stretched, see the archived answer to Alice's question Hymen stretching in Alice's Sexuality archives.

Alice wonders why it is so important for your girlfriend to be a virgin before you entered into her life. People in early Greece and Rome used virginity to refer to a virgin as an autonomous woman, someone not "owned" by any man. Ironically, as time went on, virginity began to reflect the prevailing societal view of women as man's property. It might be helpful for you to think of virginity in a different way: to think of it as giving of yourself, your whole self -- emotional, physical, and spiritual -- to another person. In that way, whether or not your girlfriend had sex before wouldn't matter because she was a virgin in terms of having deep, passionate, intimate sex with you. See Alice's archived answer to Define virgin? for more ideas and ways of understanding virginity in our culture.

Again, what is most important is respect and trust in your current relationship. You need to trust and respect your girlfriend's word that she was a virgin. If you don't, you might think about ending this relationship. If you decide that she is too important to you to lose, then Alice suggests you do what you can to build your self-confidence. Her virginity may be less important than your self-esteem.

Alice

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