Dear Alice,
I am a recent college graduate who has fallen for a girl that has just begun college on the west coast. Before she left, I told her how I felt about her, more or less, and she reciprocated the same emotions. How can I give this a good go? I know that long distance relationships (LDRs for short) are very difficult to maintain, but is there any sound advice that you can think of? I don't want to stifle her, but I definitely don't want to lose her either.
— Helpless in DC
Dear Helpless in DC,
It's great that you're thinking both about your own needs and your new girlfriend's in trying to maintain your "LDR." As you mentioned, LDRs are really hard, and can be very stressful. Some people are able to manage, whereas others cannot. It depends on the status and strength of the relationship before the distance factor was added, as well as the personalities of the two people involved in the relationship. Since it sounds like your relationship was pretty new before she went to college, it would be best to have no grandiose expectations. What you can hope for, though, is a long-lasting friendship, with the possibility of a continuing romance.
One of the most important aspects of a good relationship is communication. Let your girlfriend know how you are feeling and encourage her to share her feelings with you. Make sure to listen when she does-- even if it's about all the wonderful people she's meeting in college!
Staying in touch over a long distance can also become quite expensive for both of you. Take turns telephoning each other, so the expenses are shared. Encourage your girlfriend to go on-line, so that you can communicate via E-mail. Many campuses offer free E-mail accounts to their students. If possible, take turns visiting each other. This way you will get to know her surroundings and friends, and she will be able to take a break from her school schedule and spend (hopefully) uninterrupted time with you.
Diane Vadino recently wrote an article in the Columbia Spectator, entitled "Don't let your long-distance love give you the blues." Although many first year students arrive at school with a "firm conviction" that their relationship will survive, Vadino says, "the truth is that few of them do". There's a lot of new fish in the sea to discover, and a love commitment at a time of new independence can be limiting for some people. Vadino finishes her article with a list of DOs and DON'Ts for both partners in an LDR. In short, DO:
- Stay realistic
- Be open to meeting people
- Be honest with yourself and others
DON'T:
- Spend all your money on phone bills
- Ignore those that you are interested in or attracted to
- "Make yourself miserable"
Remember, if the relationship does not work out, it can be terribly sad and painful, but the break-up will open up room for somebody else that you can get to know and be close to. Good luck!
- Alice
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Long distance relationships
