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Sexual permutations
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S/M role-playing
Originally Published: May 12, 1995
~ Last Updated / Reviewed on: July 06, 1998
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Alice, Is safe S/M role-playing normal? And where does one draw the line if mutual consent is established? — C.V.
Dear C.V., In S/M, or sadomasochistic sex play, the mutually agreed upon playacting is based on fantasy situations of dominance and submission. One partner will "force" his/her will on the other, consensually experimenting with activities that involve physical pain, discomfort, or intensity, until the other gives the signal to stop. S/M pushes the boundaries between pleasure and pain. Mutual consent is what distinguishes S/M from abuse and assault, just as consent distinguishes sex from rape. S/M can encompass physical and/or psychological interactions, and may cause pain, but not physical or emotional damage. Accidents can happen during S/M, just as in any other physical activity, but this differs from abuse. For some, S/M play can increase sexual pleasure and open up hidden issues of power, which are always present in human intimacy. Trust plays a large part in S/M activity. Some refer to S/M as sensuality and mutuality. Partners need to talk with one another before they begin a "scene" to learn what each of them likes, would like to try, and would not like to do under any circumstances. If you're not sure where to draw the line for yourself, try fantasizing about it first before acting. If in your fantasies you go beyond your own limits of behavior, it's okay because that's exactly what fantasy is, a mental testing ground for limits. If your fantasies repel you because you are afraid you might act on them, this is important info about yourself and your limits. Remember, you are in control. If you're not in control, then it's not S/M. At Columbia, Conversio Virium is a student BD (bondage, domination) SM discussion organization, who can be thanked for some of the information in this answer. You can send e-mail to conversio@columbia.edu for further information about them. Outside the University, contact The Eulenspiegel Society, the oldest BDSM support group in the U.S., at 212.388.7022. As far as reading materials, try Sensuous Magic by Pat Califia and On the Safe Edge: A Manual for SM Play by Trevor Jacques.
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