Dear Alice...
I have never written to you before, so forgive me if I babble. I
am involved in a relationship with a man I love very much. That's
the good part. My problem is that, with my very limited sexual
experience, I am worried that I am not satisfying him. Also, I
find it next to impossible to achieve an orgasm after the "flow"
has been interrupted by his putting on a condom. We have talked
about this and he tells me just to do what is natural and
everything will be fine. I have read something about the subject,
but nothing seems to tell me how to keep the proverbial "flow"
going. I know that each person is a different case, but do you
have any general advice? I'd love to hear some.
—In love and determined
Dear In love and determined,
One thing that strikes Alice is your determination and drive for
achievement. Making love is not about "achieving orgasm," and it
may simply be that you are trying too hard, thinking too much, and
perhaps having unrealistic expectations. Every sexual encounter
does not have to end in orgasm for both people. What's more
important is that both feel loved, desired, cared for, and, if
they want, have the opportunity for physical release. When with
your lover, think about pleasing him. If you think he may not be
satisfied, ask him! It's the beginning of a great sex life if you
two can talk about what you like, what feels good, and where your
erogenous zones might be. Experiment, be playful, talk with each
other, and listen for the moans.
In terms of losing the flow when your partner puts on a condom,
try having him put on the condom when he first gets erect, and
having all your sexual play with the condom on. Or, YOU try putting
the condom on HIM, maintaining the sensuality that's been
happening thus far. How about if you continue touching yourself
while he's putting the condom on? Or, you continue touching him
while he (or you) is putting the condom on? There are limitless
variations. Don't be afraid to take some risks, relax, and enjoy
(as long as you keep the safer sex happening, too).
- Alice
Go Ask Alice! is not an emergency or instant response service. If you are in an urgent situation, please click here to view a list of 24 hour support services and hotlines.
First sexual relationship
