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Relationship boosters
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Relationships wane after initial passion
Originally Published: February 17, 1995
~ Last Updated / Reviewed on: June 15, 2001
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Alice, I am a twenty-nine-year-old heterosexual male and have been dating my girlfriend for over four years now. Throughout my life I have pursued women with the intention of having a sexual relationship. I have had sex with over 50 women. I have nearly always "cheated" on my partners, including my current relationship. My relationships have always "faded" away because I believe I am unable to "love" and go beyond the early "passionate" stage. Once that is gone, I lose interest and can't sustain an emotional connection. I am very emotionally independent from my upbringing. I find myself not motivated to have sex with my girlfriend so much for the last 2-3 years. I don't see myself as being very "sensual" or "passionate" anymore. When I was dating and going through relationships I had much more passion. That's how I hooked them. I truly got more pleasure turning my partner on than from my own orgasm. I still like to holdout until my girlfriend cums, but sometimes she doesn't and then I will. We have sex maybe 2 or 3 times a month and I would like to have more but am unmotivated. I want to get married and have kids sometime within the next five years and I do love my girlfriend. I could be happy with her as a wife and mother yet I need to deal with my issues first. I fantasize about other women often and masturbate more often than I have sex with my girlfriend. I have even masturbated while driving, which I don't do anymore. I have downloaded some pornographic images from the Internet, which I masturbate to even when she is in the house. I am scared. —Sexually confused
Dear Sexually confused, Even while in a committed relationship, there is nothing wrong with fantasizing and masturbation. As regards losing the passion after making a commitment to a relationship, that's another story. What else is going on in this particular relationship? Are you dissatisfied with other aspects of the relationship? Is your girlfriend? Have you discussed the frequency of your sexual activity with her? Perhaps 2 - 3 times a month is fine for her. Individual therapy to sort out any intimacy issues may be useful to you, and could potentially enhance your relationship, as you gain your own strength and come to your partner as a full, independent individual. Call x4-2468 for an appointment at Columbia's Counseling and Psychological Services (CPS). Students who have paid the Health Service Fee, which covers on-campus services through the Columbia Medical and Counseling Program, will not need to pay anything additional when using the services of CPS. If you're not a student, check out the following resources for referral and other information:
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