Dear Elle,

There is no standard for how long it takes a man to reach orgasm, so the fact that it takes your partner a long time may just be how his body works. Your boyfriend may be more familiar with orgasming by himself than he is with you. He may be used to the grip of his own hand, which is different from the sensation of vaginal muscles. For others, it takes time to build trust with a partner, to feel like you can really "let go."

Drugs, prescription or otherwise, can also inhibit orgasm for both men and women.

Some women would pay big money to exchange situations with you. They are the ones whose partners come too quickly. Ask him if there's anything you could do sexually that would make him feel more aroused — ways he would like to be touched, held, or talked to. It's important that you don't take his lack of orgasm as a personal affront — thinking that you are not arousing him. On the other hand, if this is a problem for him, he may choose to see a sex therapist. The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) can provide referrals to sex counselors and therapists in your area. Focus on your sex life as a unique experience, rather than fall back on preconceived notions or expectations of what should be occurring sexually.

Alice

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