Dear Alice,
The mother of one of my best friends from high school was diagnosed with
liver cancer a few months ago. She is quite ill and in a lot of pain.
She's been in and out of the hospital lately and things don't look so
good. My own father was diagnosed with prostate cancer a year and a half
ago, but he is really doing quite well (with medication, treatment,
etc.). My friend's mother will probably be dead within six months to a
year, so I'm not going through an immediate crisis.
My question is: What things should (and shouldn't) I be saying to, and
doing for, my friend? I try so hard to be there for her but I really
don't know what she's going through. She is very matter-of-fact about the fact that her mom is going to die. But I'm sure there's
something I could be doing, isn't there? I hate feeling like I'm actually
making her feel worse! Could you give me some idea of what she might be
going through right now and how I could help? Even if it's a method for
taking her mind off it occasionally (if that's a good idea).
Thanks,
Just Trying to Help
Dear Just Trying to Help,
You sound like you are a good friend. What you really need to do right
now is take your cues from your friend. If she's at the point of it all
being "matter of fact," you can't push her into feeling her
emotions. What you can do is let her know that you're willing to talk
with her about anything, at any time, so that when she's ready, or if
she'd like to, she knows she can rely on you. In terms
of taking her mind off her mother's illness — ask her. Would she like
to go to the movies one night? Or, visit a museum? Maybe go shopping?
Or, meet for coffee, etc.? It will all depend on how she's feeling at
that moment, whether or not life seems frivolous and she'd
rather not take her mind off her mother's illness, or whether she's at
the point where she really would appreciate a break.
The other thing to think about is expressing your own feelings
with your friend — telling her how you feel, with respect to your
father's illness, her mother's illness, and your day-to-day
life. Being real with your feelings will help nurture your
friendship, the way it was in the past.
There is no one right or wrong thing to do when someone's going through a
crisis like this. Continue being her friend — don't abandon her no matter
how distant she seems to be getting. You don't have to force your
companionship down her throat either; just let her know you're
around for whatever she needs — for talking, listening, or laughing; or,
for a good night out to forget. Knowing that she has a good friend can
make all the difference.
- Alice
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Friend's Mother Has Cancer
