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Blues and depression
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Friend is depressed
Originally Published: May 06, 1994
~ Last Updated / Reviewed on: August 08, 2003
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Dear Alice, I am actually asking for a friend of mine since this situation is getting worse, and I don't know how to help. The problem is that my friend is very depressed, and has very, very low self-esteem. While sometimes able to be cheerful and "happy," he claims to rarely feel that way and mostly just hates himself. He has mentioned suicide, although I think this is more an expression of the extreme self-hatred he feels than anything. I comfort him and often tell him how wonderful he is — what a good person, good qualities, etc., but I suspect he does not believe me at all. This has been going on for a long time now, and I think it stems from a somewhat unhappy childhood and adolescence. I don't know how to help him and I don't know what to do. I feel like being strong for him is just not enough, and I can't quite convince him that counseling may do some good. It seems to me that, recently, he has been feeling even worse about himself, to the point where nothing will comfort him. He cannot afford counseling, and he has no health insurance. Is there anything you can suggest for me to tell him or suggest to him? Any help will be greatly appreciated, because I just don't how to help him. Thank you so much. — A friend on-the-line
Dear A friend on-the-line, Everyone feels "blue" at certain times during his or her life. In fact, transitory feelings of sadness or discouragement are perfectly normal, especially during particularly difficult times. But, a person who cannot "snap out of it," or get over these feelings within two weeks, may have depression. Depression comes in many kinds and degrees. Demoralization is usually part of depression, but it's not the whole story.
Not all of these features are present in every depressive episode. Gently and directly talk with your friend about your concerns. Let him know concretely what you observe about his behavior, that you think he needs and deserves someone's full attention to his feelings and concerns, and that there are many people out there trained and willing to give him just that. At Columbia, there's Counseling and Psychological Services (CPS) at x4-2878. Outside of Columbia, you can call the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance at 1.800.826.3632. In New York City, you or your friend can call The Samaritans Hotline, a 24-hour support service, at 212.673.3000. To find a support hotline near you, visit Befrienders International. It is normal for you, yourself, to become frustrated with your friend. You have already offered advice, suggestions, support, and comfort, and it seems as though your efforts have been to no avail. Remember that persistence sometimes pays off. And, you can call either of the hotline numbers yourself to relieve some of your own anxiety, or to get more ideas for helping your friend. For more information on low-cost counseling, read Need referral information on free or low-cost counseling [Classic Alice!] in Alice's Emotional Health archive.
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