Hi Alice! I have been having a lot of trouble with my husband. It's not necessarily trouble, but I've been unhappy for a long time. Lately, nothing seems good between us anymore. He doesn't want to do anything. Our anniversary came and went without a card. So did Mother's Day and my birthday. We haven't exchanged a hug or a kiss in I don't know how long, and sex between us doesn't even exist. What am I going to do? Please help. Signed, Very unhappy
Dear Very Unhappy,
No relationship is like the fairy tales we read as children--"and they all lived happily ever after". There are ups and downs, high points and low points in all relationships. There are moments when you are so totally in love with your partner you think you will just die if s/he isn't around, and there are moments where you're just not quite sure what you're doing with this person.
The key to a successful long term relationship is communication. Even at your worst moments, the lines of communication need to be open, and it seems that in your case, they have already begun to shut down. Have you told your husband how you've been feeling? Have you asked him what's going on for him lately? He may be under unusual pressure at work, or be having a physical problem that he's not discussing, or something else that neither of us can guess. Try preparing his favorite meal, or going out to his favorite restaurant--doing whatever it is that will create a comfortable climate for you to discuss your relationship.
Try not to attack him as a person, but to discuss from both points of view how you've been acting towards each other. Before assuming or attacking, give him a chance to say what's been going on for him and do your best to state how you've been feeling and what your part is in the perpetuation of this low point in your relationship. Hopefully, you can come to a mutually agreed upon conclusion to the discussion, including further discussion and growth in your relationship. If you need help, think about a marriage counselor--look for a psychotherapeutic referral center in your area, or ask friends, or your family doctor. If your husband does not want to go for counseling, then go for yourself. Build your self-esteem so that it does not rely on your husband's attention. Go out with your friends alone for your birthday, try some volunteer work, take yourself out for a long walk or a great meal. Either way, don't be afraid to communicate. It can only make things better in the long run.
- Alice
Related Q&As
- Love without harmony
Go Ask Alice! is not an emergency or instant response service. If you are in an urgent situation, please click here to view a list of 24 hour support services and hotlines.
Marriage at a lull?
