First, are both problems the same? And why does it only happen during real sex with my girlfriend? And are they really psychological problems? How can I deal with them, considering that I'm 26 years old and that was my first sexual experience ever and I'm otherwise healthy? Thanks, Physically Able?

Dear Physically Able?

Many men have problems with erections and premature ejaculation at some point in their lives, so don't worry. In your case, since you are able to "perform" with yourself, but not with your girlfriend, you can most likely rule out a physical problem. Erection and premature ejaculation problems tend to generate incredible amounts of concern, anxiety, shame and sometimes even terror, because your penis is not functioning as it's supposed to. When these feelings start to come up associated with your sexual problems, it becomes hard to think clearly. It may help you feel better to know that there is almost certainly a solution for your problem, and that many men have experienced these sexual problems at one time or another in their life spans. In the meantime, try to focus on your virtues as a lover and a human being, and remind yourself that you are still a worthwhile man no matter how your penis has been acting.

There are a number of ways in which penises disappoint men. Almost all men have had a least a few experiences when they wanted an erection and didn't get one or when they lost an erection at some embarrassing point. Many men have problems getting or maintaining an erection at the beginning of a relationship. This may very well be your dilemma. After you become more comfortable with your partner, your erections may become more reliable. Try to view this as part of life rather than as a problem, and remember that these difficulties are common and transient. Explain to your partner that it may take you a few times to get comfortable enough for your penis to join the fun, or try putting off intercourse, and focusing on other activities (such as touching, kissing, pleasing her, etc.) until you feel more comfortable with your new partner.

On another note, lack of ejaculatory control is probably the most common male problem. The issue here is not the amount of time (or lack thereof) that it takes a man to ejaculate, but the lack of voluntary control of the ejaculation process. It's like, it happens when it happens, usually quickly and seeming to sneak up on you. This problem is more common among younger men, although some men in their thirties, forties and fifties have premature ejaculation.

While ejaculation is a reflex and can't be controlled perfectly, a man who has developed control can enjoy high levels of sexual arousal, whether from manual or oral stimulation or intercourse, without coming, and he usually has a choice about when to ejaculate. Lack of ejaculatory control manifests itself in many ways, as do the erection difficulties. Some men have very little control regardless of activity. Others are Ok with themselves, but not with a partner, as in your case. Still others, probably the largest group, are fine except for intercourse.

Some men, like you, have both problems--erections are difficult to get and ejaculations are usually quick. Since many of the exercises for developing better control require an erection, men with both problems should not attempt to work on gaining ejaculatory control until the erection problem is resolved. First things first! Now, ejaculatory problems are almost always due to a lack of knowledge, skill, or attention. Abstinence also hampers control. And, anxiety can cause a loss of control--seen in men who come quickly with new partners but regain control as they get more comfortable.

Given all this information, it seems like you probably just need more time to get to know your partner, and your patterns together. Explore sex slowly--don't plow into intercourse. Get to know what she likes, and what you like to have done to you by her. Talk to each other, during sex and in your lives. As you become more comfortable in your relationship, your sexuality will also become stronger and more fun.

If you find your problems lingering, you should check out Bernie Zilbergeld's The New Male Sexuality. There are ideas for exercises, getting your mind in the mood, and the words of other men who have experiences similar difficulties. Good luck, and move slow! -

Alice

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