What's the average frequency of sex for couples (is there one?) and what can I tell him so he won't think I'm just rejecting him physically or something stupid?--No excuses

Dear No excuses,

You and your boyfriend need to open up your lines of communication to include more than just " I want it " and " I don't". There may be other problems in your relationship that are just being played out in terms of your sexual relations. Sex doesn't take place in a vacuum--we take struggles about other things--power, money, mutuality, time, attention, competition, etc.--into bed with us. Knowing that can often help you be more objective, and decide whether this is purely a sexual problem or whether other parts of your life are coming into play when you go to bed.

It is not unusual for a man to want to have sex more than a woman might in any given relationship. There is a myth that this is based on a stronger sex drive in men. In reality, what may be at issue is the fact that men are raised with fewer ways of expressing their emotions. So, sex (i.e. intercourse and orgasm) is one of the few permissible ways for a man to be close to someone--the only acceptable place for men's tender, loving feelings. It may be this limitation, rather than an innate, irrepressible sex drive, that prompts men to initiate sex so often and leads to the false notion that women are less sexual than men.

You should try to initiate closeness and conversation with your boyfriend at a time when the tension levels are not high around the issue of frequency of sex (i.e. when you're in bed and he wants to have sex and you're tired). In terms of exactly what to say, remember that sexuality ebbs and flows in stages, and now that you're both so busy, this may be low tide. You can try to find alternatives to frequent intercourse: maybe massages twice a week will do the trick; or having sex more on the weekends; or you might encourage him to masturbate with you watching, thereby giving him his sexual release and giving you a passive part in lovemaking; or try just discussing that this is a high intensity time for you in your life and for now you'd rather hold him and have him hold you--with the knowledge that in the future your driving, wild sexuality will return to your relationship.

You need to make it clear that you are not rejecting him, or your lovemaking, but that this is just a stage. And that the longer you stay together, the more you'll be aware of your sexual peak times and be able to use them to your advantage (i.e. during the holiday season, making no plans and staying in bed for three days straight). Show him that you're open to suggestions and compromise so that you can both get what you want. Be creative--you can get through this period. And if there are underlying problems aside from frequency of sex, you should try to communicate about them too, and think about couples counseling if things get too crazy. Good luck!

Alice

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