Dear Alice,
I have been involved in a relationship with my girl for over a year now. We both love each other and are very happy. We met in college and spent the summer together in an apartment in Boston. Both of us have two years of college left, but unfortunately
we did not attend the same college after the summer of '93 (she went back to Maine and I came to New York). The problem is that I fell "in love" with her by the end of the summer and then suddenly we were separated. She came to New York Nov 9 and stayed
for 1 1/2 months. During this time I noticed that our separation had prevented us from growing and progressing as a couple because it took about a week to be at the same level emotionally and physically that we were at when we lived together. I think part
of the reason is that after the emotional airport goodbye, we both felt lonely and lost without each other, and now she was afraid to get that close again and get hurt when she eventually had to leave.
We had many discussions about our relationship and she told me that she loves me very much but as she puts it she is not in La-La land--which in her terminology means she is not ready to commit to eventually be married one day. Here is where the proble
m is: I am starting college this spring and my girl is stuck in a small hick town in Maine. In the back of my mind I am beginning to think that maybe she doesn't want to let me go because of all the girls I would meet in college, and would be jealous sinc
e the possibility of meeting someone in her small hick town is unlikely. I just want to know if I am wasting my time on a long distance relationship with no promise of resulting in marriage after our final two years of college. The thought also occurred t
o me that when she starts college in the fall, will she be so committed to this long distance relationship? I just don't want to be played for a fool.
--Nice Guy or Fool?
Dear Nice Guy or Fool?,
At this point, it is impossible to tell whether you are a nice guy or
a fool. It's something only you can assess once you have set up some
terms with your girlfriend about your relationship. Long distance
relationships are always hard, even when the couple has been together for
a long time, or is married. The idea of carrying on a long distance
relationship and worrying about whether or not there is, or might ever
be, a commitment sounds incredibly stressful.
Have you and your girlfriend discussed monogamy? Are you sure that
your definition of La-La land is the same as your girlfriend's? It sounds
like you are conjecturing what your girlfriend is thinking, and that it's
time for you two to talk. You need to ascertain questions like: What do
you each want out of your relationship? What are you each getting out of
the relationship -- now, in the past, and in the future? What are your
needs in a relationship? Are they being met over the long distance? Can
they be met over time? What are the terms to which you are both willing
to agree to continue this relationship across the miles?
You have many alternatives -- you can both agree to be monogamous and
see what happens; you can both agree to be monogamous and make a
commitment to get married in two years; you can both agree to see other
people and see what happens; you can agree to see other people, with the
idea of making a commitment solely to each other in two years, etc. The
key here is that you need to make this decision together. It will
probably be a painstaking process, especially determining the details of
your agreement (I have only offered a broad framework); but, if you can
both spend some time exploring the questions you have about the
relationship and then generating feasible solutions, you should be able
to come to a compromise that you both can work with.
It helps to think of it all as a big experiment -- if what you first
decide to do isn't working for one, or both, of you, go back to the
drawing board and redefine your terms. It's a constant
process -- relationships are a lot of work. If you are both willing to do
that work, then your relationship has a better chance of lasting the two
years of separation.
- Alice
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