Dear Alice,
I'm having a tough time as a first year student. My classes aren't too difficult, I'm not very homesick, I don't miss my parents too much. That's all OK. The problem is that I'm lonely. I have reached out to people in classes, in dining halls, everywhere! All I get in return is a brush-off. I give my phone number to people and they don't care enough to reciprocate. I sit with people during meals and never see them again. It's 3 weeks into the semester--have people made their friends already? I know there are people out there who are potential friends, but where are they? Are they also locking themselves up in their rooms and hiding in the library between classes and at night? I'm a nice, honest, and sincere person. I had a few very close friendships in high school and I'm not the outgoing party animal who needs a wide circle of friends to feel secure. I just need one or two close friends. People who are loyal and who need a friend as much as I need one. I just can't seem to find anyone who is as interested in me as I am in them. I'm a naturally shy and quiet person but my old friends tell me that once people get to know me, they'll really like me. I don't like parties, and I'd rather have 1 or 2 close friends than 15 acquaintances. What can I do? Signed, A Loner
Dear A Loner,
Think about how long you've known your high school friends. How did you meet them? Did you like them immediately? Did they like you immediately? How did the friendships develop? I'm asking you to ask yourself these questions because it is the rare friendship that materializes and is solidified at first sight. Common knowledge has it that when you move to a new place, you may have acquaintances, but it take a FULL YEAR, at a minimum, to develop strong, close friendships. It sounds like you would like to skip the acquaintance stage and jump right into the middle of a good friendship--like the ones you had in high school, in which case you're setting yourself up for failure.
You claim to be shy and lonely, yet you know your assets and what you can bring to a friendship. You won't meet people, however, by locking yourself up in your room and hiding in the library between classes and at night. What are your interests? There are so many student groups on campus that are always looking for new members. Go to a few different meetings (check bulletin boards, On Broadway, Earl Hall, etc.). Continue going to the ones where you feel welcome--where you sense a common interest with the other members.
How about talking to your RA? Do you have floor meetings? How are the people on your floor? What do they do in their spare time? They can't all be party animals....Ask your RA for suggestions; s/he knows you better than I do from a few lines on the computer, and would probably have some good ideas for places to meet people who you might like. Be persistent, have patience, and true friendship will come your way again.
- Alice
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Friends for first year guy?
